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Music. Fires. Positioning. We’ll cover it all here says Robbie James in his last column for 2024
Hello and welcome to the time of the year where it’s acceptable to set up shop in your Local at 3pm on a Tuesday – the most wonderful time of the year (apart from summer). I’m aware that not everyone manages to insert pub play time into their schedules throughout the year as much as I do, so below is some advice if you’re planning a visit with friends, family, or just you to a public house this festive season.
I’ll get the boring one out the way. Know the good pubs. Do a quick recce if you need to. You don’t want to have spent three hours in some tobacco-smelling establishment with high ceilings to then walk fifty metres down the road, and spot something resembling a pub from a Richard Curtis film.
They have a DJ starting at 8pm do they? Leave. Dua Lipa should overrun many places, but not a pub. We’re happy to accept the following instruments: Guitar (acoustic, electrics will be considered on a case-by-case basis), Violin, Banjo, Accordion, Cello, and of course, a Hurdy-gurdy.
If you have the ability to roam, the ability to stand, do it. Under only the most extreme circumstances should you settle around a table. What happens if, in your mad and often awkward scramble to find a seat, you end up between your overly political uncle and your grumpy teenage niece? Game over.
Make sure to position yourself in the standing area, lean on a ledge if you like, or even better, encircle a barrel. This will allow you to adapt your socialising through the art of the pivot. If one conversation ends, simply pivot and find another. Want to invite someone else into the conversation? Sure, just enlarge the circle. A barrel will allow for a more structured version of this, while giving you somewhere to place your lime and soda while you show everyone the size of your Christmas Tree (head out of the gutter please).
Small talk is at a premium at this time of year. Use the pub to your advantage. Find one that has a selection of walking sticks on the ceiling (The Wykeham Arms, Winchester), or an old cricket scorecard by the bar (Bat & Ball, Hambledon). There’s a good chance this will buy you three minutes of valuable discussion.
The fire; a common misconception surrounds the fire. Sitting around one sounds wholesome doesn’t it, Christmas card stuff. However, thanks to our old foe greenhouse gasses, freezing temperatures are not likely. Putting yourself directly next to the fire is only going to set you up for a sweaty night. You’ll ‘’ooooo’’ and ‘’cwoaar that’s nice’’ your way through your first half a Guinness, and then the heat will set in, and you’ll realise your knitted jumper is clinging to you as if it were a modern day rugby shirt. Ensure the fire is always in sight and you can jump in with a ‘’doesn’t the fire look lovely’’ or ‘’ooop, someone needs to put another log on that! Go on Gary hahaha’’, but give yourself at least a three metre gap.
Finally, don’t ask why someone isn’t drinking. There could be any host of reasons, but ultimately it makes no difference to your life, apart from probably making your round considerably cheaper. Pubs are not great because of alcohol, they’re great because they offer a glimpse into life before any of us were born, and a rare opportunity in the modern world to feel part of a community.
Finally, use the pub. They’re one of the only things the UK actually does really well. Before I was born my grandparents owned a pub in Bursledon, and I know the joy they got from providing a space for the community to meet one another. They worked tirelessly to ensure everyone felt welcome and happy to mix. You don’t have to drink, and you don’t need to have pre planned company – in a good pub, those that don’t know you will talk to you.
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