Grief can feel especially acute at this time of year. Celebrant and founder of Abingdon Compassionate Café Fiona Mac shares her tips to help you be kind to yourself
As Oxfordshire author Clare Mackintosh shares in her best-selling novel I Promise It Won’t Always Hurt Like This, “Grief is universal. Our experiences of death are different, so, too, are the emotions that follow. Your grief is as unique as you are – as unique as your relationship was, with the person you’ve lost. We all grieve in our own way.”
This is no more apparent than during the festive season. Experience has taught me that everyone’s grief is unique, there is no right way or wrong way to feel. It can be a daily challenge, so when the festive season comes along, emotions can run high and we can experience different and difficult feelings, feelings out of sync with everyone else.
In Clare’s book she also writes: “Some people draw comfort from turning anniversary days into something positive. I don’t think this can be forced, and you shouldn’t put pressure on to celebrate someone’s life when you are still struggling with their death, but you might be able to think of small ways to bring colour to these difficult days.”
Here are some thoughts and ideas that may help this upcoming festive season:
It’s OK not to be feeling OK, it is important to prioritise your needs, both emotionally, practically and physically.
I want to be alone: and that’s OK too. Just make sure you try and make time and plan for regular meals and movement (some much-needed self-care). Last Christmas after losing her parent, one friend treated herself to her favourite meal (she had cooked the week before), got up early and walked with the dog for three hours, returned home, got into her PJs, had her meal and got cosy for the rest of the day. Indulge in a bit of self-love.
Being in nature: A walk in the fresh air can do wonders.
Plan a comfortable Christmas: Rather than do what you and others think you should be doing, make sure you plan what you want to do. You can still embrace some traditions if that feels right, step away from them for this year, or create your own.
A time for heightened emotions, so avoid overdoing it: All emotions use up valuable energy, so try not to ‘overdo’ things and get over tired.
Take a social media/TV break: If you’re finding things difficult, take a break from TV, social media, or Christmas films.
If you are with family or friends: Talk about your loved one often, think of a way of talking about them, lighting a candle at mealtimes, making a toast to them, watching old videos, or preparing a photo book to look through photos together after the festive lunch or dinner.
Spend the day volunteering – many charities are calling out for help over the festive season, and it can fill the day and leave you with a sense of wellbeing.
Ditch the turkey – one friend shared their first Christmas without her Dad. They ate his favourite meal instead! La Loop (soup of the day) and spaghetti on your knees (Spaghetti Bolognaise) finished off with roly poly and custard!! They shared stories, laughed, cried and said how much he would have loved it! Followed by of course a toast… with Scotch Whisky.
Personally, we light a candle Christmas Eve and light it every meal we share together over the festive season and think of our loved ones. Inspired by these words from Howard Thurman: “I will light a candle this Christmas, Candles of joy despite the sadness:
Candles of hope, where despair keeps watch, Candles of courage for fears ever present:
Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days; candles of grace to ease heavy burdens,
Candles of love to inspire all my living, Candles that will burn all year long.”
And lastly, reach out for support: You can call Samaritans for free, call 116123, Shout text “SHOUT” to 85258 or “YM” if you are under 19. Child Bereavement UK (up to 25 years) call 0800 02 888 40.
Join us at the Abingdon Compassionate Café, 10am to 12 noon on 20th December at St Ethelwold’s House and leave a memory label for your loved one on our Christmas Memory Tree.
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